Doubt...

All day long I am saying to myself "Oh my god I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant..." Yet still I have so much doubt. It logically makes sense that I would be pregnant with all the crazy symptoms I've been experiencing, but still, there is doubt. I keep re-playing the moment the 2 pink lines appeared on my pregnancy test because I want to believe so badly that they are true, but I can't seem to give in 100%. And of course now I am regretting telling everyone in case the test gave me a false positive. I would just feel so retarded if I had to then call everyone up and tell them, oh actually I'm not pregnant and if I'd just waited til my period was late then I wouldn't have to be having this embarrassing conversation...

I loved telling people though, especially my parents who have been waiting to become grandparents for a very long time. My dad was already asking what Devinder's parents are called seeing as they are already grandparents. I told my dad he has very little choice in being called Papaw. Just have to come up with a name for Mom. And then a name for our child and then I'm back to believing again but then I realise that I'm believing again and then I start to doubt. What a crazy trip...

Baby Dust...

Click on image for larger picture...
From the Pregnancy forum...

Name: Marussia Date: May 29, 2005, 17:27

Answer: Well ladies, I could no longer stand the suspense so I took an HPT and guess what!!! I got a BFP!!!!! I am still a little shocked. My AF isn't due til 6/1 but I used a 1st response and there were definately 2 pink lines. So I guess that's it! I still feel so much doubt though, like I want to fully give in to believing I am pregnant, but I am hesitant to fully celebrate in case for some reason my HPT was false. Good luck to all you ladies, I hope we all get BFP's together!

Name: dea Date: May 29, 2005, 20:23

Answer: MARUSSIA!!!! how exciting! congratulations. take another test -maybe then you'll start to feel better about letting your guard down-- of course, nothing really let's it set in until the dr. confirms, i'm sure. we got 2 more tests tonight- we are testing tomorrow morning. my left nipple looks weird. (bigger, rounder) i think i am- hope the test confrims. CHRISTIE & PATTIE- keep me posted! it would be great if we all could get BFP and go through this together. loads of ~~dust~~ to you all- MARUSSIA: let us know how things go, and wishing you a healthy pregnancy.

Name: Pattie Date: May 29, 2005, 22:12

Answer: **MARUSSIA** Oh My Gosh. Soooo Happy for you. CONGRATS!!! Tomorrow AF will be "four" days late. Thank you God again. Ladies, I have four children from my previous marriage, My new husband wants to have a baby. Only I am forty-two. I was BFP in Sept and M/C in Nov. So this time is even more special if I get BFP again. I loved being preggo every single time. ***Annie***, its been two days since I saw you post anything. Where are you? What's up? Ahsley, any changes? I haven't seen you either since the 27th. ***Dea*** good thing we buy a lot of those tests huh? I don't have any in the house so I can't be tempted. Funny I was out all day at an air show "thunderbirds", we to my sisters house to help her plant, put up a canopy and I am so exhausted, but I needed to come home and check up on your gals. Check in with you all tomorrow. Good Luck, Good Love and POSITIVE TESTING !!!! ***BABY DUST*** to you all. Keep the faith.

Name: Ashley Date: May 29, 2005, 22:34

Answer: hey ladies! congrats marussia!!! how exciting! i am so happy for you!!! pattie-still no af...still having ewcm and the lotion cm. i will probably test again in a few days...baby dust to all!

The Trouble Is...

The trouble is that PMS Symptoms and Pregnancy Symptoms are very nearly the same. Apparently, because you get your period every month and know exactly what they feel like, the Pregnancy Symptoms just "feel slightly different." The trouble is that I want to be pregnant so damn bad that I feel I may be making my PMS Symptoms feel like possible Pregnancy symptoms. I know all I can do is wait, but it's soooooo hard. I just want to know right now...

And then Chris called me to tell me that Amanda had a miscarriage!!! She seems to be doing okay emotionally, just a little exausted. They said it was so early into the pregnancy that they don't feel like they've had a loss, just that they've lost that exciting feeling of being pregnant again. Amanda jokingly said "Well that'll take the pressure off of you to get pregnant right away." I was already thinking the same thing, just feeling guilty for going there. It's true though, if I'm not pregnant right now then I have at least three months til they can even start trying again. It would just be so friggin' awesome to be pregnant with someone, especially if that someone was Amanda.

Still waiting

I thought I wasn't pregnant the other day because my breasts started to hurt just like they always do about 10 days before my period and man was I ever PMS'ing. Then I went to a dinner party with the girl's and Amanda announced that she is 6 weeks pregnant. Not only did it up the stakes for us getting pregnant if I want to be pregnant with Amanda but talking about my symptoms with someone whose been their before, made me hopeful once again that I may be pregnant this time.

Just came back from breakfast with John and he asked where does my desire to have children come from? What a great question! I thought about it and told him that it feels like a primal instinct. It feels like it comes from way down deep inside myself, so much so that I can't stop it or shut it up. I want to have children with every fibre of my being. I want to have children because I want to share my love, I want to love and nuture and be loved in return. Just the very thought of Devinder and I becoming one being, 2 becoming 3, of us being a family, going through life together teaching each other and learning from one another. He asked if it's something I always knew that I wanted . I remember when Devinder and I first met, he almost didn't persue a relationship with me because I told him I never wanted to have kid's. He always knew it was something he wanted. I didn't. A couple of years ago that changed. We went to Devinder's cousins wedding and I got to meet Devinder's entire family and they all had kid's! Not only did I see how wonderful Devinder is with kid's, I also saw this huge family network of love and understanding and suddenly I was a part of it. Suddenly I wanted to cntinue the family, to bring our child into all this love...and now here we are...

Excited...

I feel afraid to be excited about trying to conceive, but not because I'm scared I will never actually conceive. I am scared to be excited because I don't really believe it's actually happening and for that reason I feel that I come across as not being honest in my excitement. I am scared to be excited because I am afraid of annoying people. I am scared to be excited because although Devinder says he's ready, I feel like I may have rushed us here. I am scared to be excited because I may have rushed myself here...

Pregnancy Forum

I joined this pregnancy Forum and I really do think it's like the best thing for me. I get to chat with all sorts of other women who are trying to conceive. I am waiting to test with about 10 other women at the end of this month. We talk about our possible signs of pregnancy and help each other out when we have questions or concerns. It's the first online club I've ever belonged to and I can totally see why people do it. Even though these women are out there in internet land, I totally feel less lonely while waiting to test. I have even started thinking about some of them, wondering throughout my day how that doctor's appointment went or if they still feel nautious. It's also an instant resource of information. Any question I may have about my body and what's it's doing and if it's a possible sign of pregnancy, I can ask and get an answer instantly, or at least some reassurence that I am not insane...

Is that you?

I don't want to be overly optimistic in case it turns out I am indeed not pregnant. But last month I felt so sure that I was definately NOT PREGNANT, and this month, well, I feel like I felt something inside of me. A little jolt, a buzz, a tiny prick, an overwhelming feeling of joy coming up from inside of me. Last night I felt nautious, and not like you normally do when you get the flu. There was no pain in my stomache, I just felt like my stomache was in my throat. But the crazy thing is, that I would only be about 3 days pregnant and I am not so sure you can actually feel anything that soon in. And now all I can do is wait. Wait for my period to come. And hope. Hope that my last period was my last period for a long long time...