Bad Mother?

Amanda last night at bookclub announced that she is having another boy as she just saw and then got confirmation from the sonographer, 2 little balls in her 18 week ultrasound. She said it makes this pregnancy so different from her last one where she didn't know Charlie was a boy until he was born. They already have a name (not that we will know til he's born) and can stop refering to him as "it." She also said that it made her realise how much it totally doesn't matter to her that she will have 2 boys now and no girl. It made me realise or maybe just finally admit, that I really want a girl.

I know that I have said that I only want 2 children, but if I had 2 boys I know I would probably want to try for a girl. I feel like I am a bad mother. But I do know that however many boys I do end up having, I will love them with all my heart. I think it's just that I am a girl and I know girl's since I've been one all my life. I also have a whole tickle trunk full of costumes and play clothes and my Nettie just gave me all the old dolls we 3 sisters used to play with when we came to visit. I also want to live in a house where I am not the only female so I can have an emotional equal and pass on all the wonderful things I have learned over the years about being a women.

All that being said, we may be having a girl for all we know. This whole time I've been feeling like we are having a boy, but then Devinder and I went over the last ultrasound and both remember getting a full on crotch shot with no balls to speak of. We may or may not find out next week when we do the 3D ultrasound and even though I know I want a girl at some point, I still don't know if I really want to know before we meet "it."